I am a mass of contratdictions.
Of course, we all are deep down somewhere. If you start to break down all the ways that you contradict yourself then the list may just never end. It’s all part of the human experience.
I am only going to focus on the one way that I am that I contradict myself and maybe in some ways end up just being a total hypocrite.
Cast your minds back to the end of April (or just read this) when my little brain was fully falling apart from the pressure of writing 1,000 words every day. I was reaching an intense level of fatigue and was at that point where I knew that this first draft I am working on is such a mess that I don’t think I will ever be able to save it. My timeline is garbled, there are a lot of scenes that don’t seem to be doing anything, but they bulked up the word count and so I rolled with them, characters are truly taking on a life of their own and I don’t know what to do with them. Seriously, a friendship has formed on the pages of this thing that I didn’t account for, it is not in any of the rough plans that I outlined for this story.
It was all just a lot and I finished April feeling very tired and it took me a solid 17 days before I even glanced at the document.
I declared with my whole chest that I hate word counts.
Now here is where me being a big fat hypocrite comes into play.
Starting Saturday I will be doing the #1000wordsofsummer as set up by Jami Attenberg. The explainer is here. (Side note, Craft Talk is a great newsletter, you should defo give it a go)
That’s right, for the next two weeks I am aiming to, yet again, write 1,000 words every day. For two weeks.
Because I am the worst.
If you noticed, earlier I mentioned that I finished Camp NaNo and then didn’t look at the document that I had lived and breathed for 30 days until we were well over halfway into May. I had initially planned to take a couple of days away and that then morphed into a couple of weeks.
Any and all discipline that I had just evaporated into thin air and suddenly I could not find the motivation to look at it. I had no idea where it was going and instead of sitting down and trying to figure out what I could do with it I just watched ASMR videos on YouTube. It’s almost embarrassing how many videos I have watched of someone getting a facial or having their hair/scalp played with. I wouldn’t have even really said before this year and all my procrastinating that I was into ASMR like that, but apparently, I am now.
There is the ideal version of me.
This version of me can be disciplined enough to actually use the 50 minutes that she allocates (minimum) to writing to actually put words on the page of the document. But there is also the problem that I am a writer with fingers in many pies. There are short stories to be worked on. There are competitions that I want to enter. There is this very missive that I need to write every week. There are so many directions that I am being pulled into and the fact that I am writing a first draft means that it gets pushed to the bottom. Because I know it’s a pile of coal that needs to be pressurised into some kind of diamond and I don’t wanna do the work to finish the pile of coal up before I can get to the tidying of it all.
And so, as I did in April, I need to trick myself into making it the focus. Which means that for the next two weeks I need to get 14,000 words down on the page. I then need to try and figure out where that leaves me in terms of how close I am to completion and I then need to put a word count to it and work towards it.
Once that has been achieved I can then focus on the fact that I am at the time of writing this having a small (large) crisis about the whole thing and just want to burn the whole thing to the ground and start again...
No part of me wants to do the rewrite, but the rewrite is inevitable.
But only if I actually finish the damn draft in the first place.
So give me the word count. Let’s get this done.
Jumpin’ Jumpin’
What I’m reading - So I’ve come to the conclusion that I am gonna have to give up romance books for June which means that my rate for reading is going to plummet and also that I might venture into some non-fiction books that I have on the TBR list. The end of May roll call is Witches Get Stitches, Don’t Hex and Drive and Walking in a Witchy Wonderland (yes I read a festive themed book in the early stages of summer, I didn't mean to - it just happened) - Juliette Cross. On a whim I picked up The Roommate - Rosie Danan and started reading it on the journey home and before I knew it 8 hours later it was done. And finally, The Cheat Sheet - Sarah Adams rounds out the month. I had a reading challenge of 60 books at the beginning of the month, I’ve upped it to 70 (and I’m still ahead of schedule). (affiliate links as always)
What I’m watching - Well, I finished Grace and Frankie, so there’s that. Also watched the last season of Derry Girls which made me laugh, made me cry, made me really glad for shows that end on their own terms when they are at their peak. Even when it leaves you wanting more.
What I’m listening to - It’s still the Harry Styles album (and this banging Wet Leg cover he did in the Live Lounge last week), it’s still my Apple Music radio station. I’ve not mentioned it in a while, but it’s still Future Artists with Jack Saunders. I am in a rut as per, it’s fine. My radio station is heavy on the musical theatre and I’m discovering some gems.
Title Inspiration - The Blacker the Berry - Kendrick Lamar. I struggled in a big way with the title of this one but I’ve had Kendrick on the brain a lot this month and so him saying ‘hypocrite’ was just very prominent in my head. The link is tenuous at best.
Gosh I so relate to having so many things I want to write or in the works and having a harder time focussing on one and *getting it done*!
But I also want to add, I would have also called myself a hypocrite for this change too once upon a time. I wouldn't now, so wanted to offer to you, that you are allowed to change your mind. About anything, any time, to suit where you are at. If a temporary word count challenge gets you to where you want to be and you've had enough of a break to do it again -- GO FOR IT! Adjust constantly for what serves you, you deserve it xo